


Lambert, aspiring aloe vera dealer

by Ledgea



Series: The witchers' grapevine [6]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Plants, So much aloe vera, aloe vera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26346622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ledgea/pseuds/Ledgea
Summary: Lambert spends his winter away from the aloe vera, asks about Coën's progress in growing more of the stuff and groans in dismay when he learns that it's not exactly going well. So in the spring Lambert decides to head to Toussaint, which isn't really on his usual route, to look for another aloe vera, one he'll be able to do what he wants with.Lambert discovers the properties of aloe vera and somehow manages to create a business around it.
Relationships: Aiden/Coën/Lambert (The Witcher), Jaskier | Dandelion & Lambert, Lambert & Witchers, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: The witchers' grapevine [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794697
Comments: 24
Kudos: 89





	Lambert, aspiring aloe vera dealer

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again !!
> 
> I'd just like to thank QT314 who gave me the idea to do something with aloe vera in the "Botany" chapter of "The witchers' invasion of Kaer Morhen". So thank you !!!  
> Unfortunately - or fortunately, I can't really judge here - the idea got away from me (Lambert's fault) and it all ended up in that...
> 
> I'll let you be the judge of this story :p

Lambert is harnessing and saddling his horse after a very pleasurable week spent with his husbands when he spots a fleck of green sticking out of one of his saddlebags. He frowns because he doesn't remember having stuck a plant in it and opens his bag to check it. He just hopes that Aiden hadn't decided to gift him some nettle too, he had tried it with Coën at the beginning of the week and the Griffin had spent one evening bitching at the Cat about his sore hand.

Luckily it isn't nettle, unfortunately Lambert doesn't recognize the plant. It looks a bit like a cactus with several thick pointed leaves. Lambert tugs it out of his saddlebag, sees the small clay pot containing it and knows that it's one of Coën's plants. At least it's probably nothing dangerous, he muses.

“Coën, I got one of your cactus in my bags,” he yells at the empty camp behind him.

“It's not a cactus, dimwit, it's an aloe vera. I don't have room for it. Keep it for me until winter ?”, Coën bellows back from the not very far river where he disappeared to with his horse.

Lambert shrugs, sticks the pot back in his saddlebag and startles when Aiden appears behind him.

“Can you announce yourself ?”, he grouches at the Cat.

Aiden doesn't answer him and bends down to peer at the plant. He pokes one of its leaves and frowns at it.

“Why didn't he give me a plant too ?”, Aiden then asks him.

Lambert grins because the Cat sounds puzzled and sad and he tugs him back to his feet.

“Maybe because you already killed one of his plants,” Lambert says with a smirk.

“It wasn't my fault. Do you think that this one is edible ?”

“Don't know,” Lambert says with a shrug, “I'll ask him when he comes back.”

They finish packing up their gear, douse their fire and cuddle together under a tree while they wait for Coën to come back. The Griffin smiles when he spots them, sits down on Aiden's other side and hug them both. Aiden lets out a contented sigh between them and Lambert squeezes Coën's hand over the Cat's hip.

“The aloe vera, is it edible ?”, Lambert asks after a few minutes and grins when Coën glares at him.

“No,” the Griffin answers him curtly, “And don't you dare try to do it. I want to try to collect some cuttings over winter, plant them in their own pots and leave them with Vesemir. He'll take care of them during our absence.”

“Suit yourself, I'll try to keep it in one piece,” Lambert says with a shrug, “Come on, Aiden, get up. It's almost midday, we were supposed to be on our way already.”

Aiden grumbles as he is forced to get up and they share a few last hugs that quickly become kisses that soon turn into handjobs and they end up sharing their midday meal too. When they're done, they say their true goodbye, promise to reconvene next to Ard Carraigh in the fall and Aiden heads north, while Coën goes west and Lambert east.

So Lambert tries to take care of Coën's plant, he waters it carefully so as not to drown it, takes care as to not squish it under his belongings when he sorts out his saddlebag and keeps his horse away from it. Horse still manages to get a bite in and Lambert hopes that Coën won't spot the half eaten leaf, it's probably a vain hope though.

He still doesn't know why Coën chose this plant in particular and wonders if it had been a gift, like the others, or if he had harvested it himself. He finally gets some more information on it on his way north. He stops by a healer to collect some pastes and ointments and a vial of oil and a mint flavored tea that he's sure Ciri will like, and is squeezing everything into his bag when the woman spots the plant.

She lets out a small interested sound when she sees it and Lambert has to slap her hands away from it. He's managed to keep it almost in one piece this whole time, and he's not going to lose it to a woman's grabby hands.

“Don't touch it,” he growls at her.

“That... Do you know what you are carrying ?”, she asks him and doesn't let the plant out of her sight.

“Aloe vera,” Lambert grunts and sticks the plant back into his saddlebag.

“Oh,” she sighs and sounds a little bit disappointed, “Then I offer you ten coins for it.”

“No,” Lambert growls at the woman and violently crams the tea in his bag, he's desperate to leave by now.

“Twenty ? Thirty ?”

“It's not for sale.”

“Come on, witcher, what use do you have for it ? Do you know how rare this plant is this far north.”

“Don't know, don't care. It's not for sale.”

“Fifty coins,” the woman pleads and Lambert grits his teeth.

Truthfully if the plant wasn't Coën's, Lambert would have already sold it for twenty coins. He's always somewhat broke so he wouldn't have let such a good opportunity pass. But the aloe vera is his husband's and Lambert had promised to bring it home so he's not going to sell it.

He still takes note to say to Coën and Vesemir to plant as many of them as they can during winter, and he'll try to leave Kaer Morhen with a few of them in his saddlebags to sell in the spring. It'll be a good source of income.

He leaves the healer quickly after that, but the woman has got him interested in the plant now. Seeing as she offered him fifty coins for it, Lambert is sure that the aloe vera has some hidden properties, he just doesn't know what they are. So he stops by the first apothecary he comes across and asks a frightened young man if they have some aloe vera to sell and what its properties are.

The man clearly doesn't understand why Lambert would like to buy something he doesn't know how to use and squeaks that they don't have any to sell. He still explains to him that the plant produces a gel – Lambert had noticed that when Horse had eaten some of the plant – and that it's used to treat skin infections and burns and is quite soothing when applied during a massage. It also apparently has some laxative properties and Lambert smirks at that.

He then asks the man to tell him how to collect said gel, leaves a tip for the information and goes on his way. He stares at the plant a lot after that and wonders if he could collect enough gel to use for a massage or develop an ointment to be used on their scars. He decides that he'll have to experiment over winter.

He's the last one to arrive at their designated meeting point this year and is happy to see Coën and Aiden again. They exchange a few stories around their fire and Lambert proudly presents the aloe vera to Coën.

The Griffin examines it carefully, raises his eyebrows when he spots the half eaten leaf, doesn't comment and still thanks him for bringing it back. Lambert smiles and steals the plant back, he got a bit attached to it and wants to continue to take care of it. Coën smirks at him but lets him do as he pleases.

Unfortunately when they arrive at Kaer Morhen, Coën takes his plant back and he and Vesemir disappear with it in a room Lambert isn't allowed to go in. He stays rooted in front of the door they firmly shut in his face for a few minutes before Aiden tugs him down to the hot springs.

“Do you think that it would be a good idea for me to invade the room to steal the plant back ?”, Lambert asks Aiden when they're comfortably settled in the hot pools.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you,” Aiden answers and then asks, “Why don't you ask Coën for the plant back if you like it so much ?”

Lambert grunts, pillows his head on Aiden's shoulder and pretends to fall asleep. He doesn't want to ask for the plant back, because Coën seems attached to it and the experimentation Lambert is thinking of doing will probably require some cutting and crushing, things that the Griffin won't allow him to do.

Lambert spends his winter away from the aloe vera, asks about Coën's progress in growing more of the stuff and groans in dismay when he learns that it's not exactly going well. So in the spring Lambert decides to head to Toussaint, which isn't really on his usual route, to look for another aloe vera, one he'll be able to do with what he wants.

By the time he meets Aiden and Coën again in the summer, he has his own aloe vera with him – that he harvested himself ! – in a bag of its own, because it's bigger than Coën's was and doesn't fit in his saddlebag. And he also has two smaller ones that he plans to sell in Ard Carraigh in the fall. His husbands throw him some weird glances when they spot the plants, and Lambert is sure that Coën thinks that he's going to be gifted at least one of them because he keeps looking at him and the plants expectantly.

Lambert just growls at him, craddles his aloe veras and _keeps_ them close, he has some experimentation to do and money to win, and he won't let his plants be stolen. Aiden just rolls his eyes at them and tries to gift Coën some nettle again to compensate for Lambert's unwillingness to part with his plants. It doesn't go over well.

Lambert manages to sell his two small aloe veras for a good price in an upscale apothecary of Kaedwen's capital, because it turns out that the nobility is rather fond of the stuff to put on their skin and the plant is rare this far north. He still has to fight the healer who buys his plants to keep him away from the biggest one and has to promise him to come back if he ever has another aloe vera to sell. Lambert swears and hightails out of the town in case somebody would try to steal his plant from him.

Aiden and Coën ask him what he did with the two small plants when they see each other again and Lambert proudly shows them his for once full purse. They seem rather impressed by it and Lambert hears Coën muttering with himself about making more of an effort on the aloe vera from Kaer Morhen during the winter.

And when they arrive at the keep, Lambert puts his aloe vera in the kitchen, not far from the fire because the plant likes the warmth, and warns everyone away from it. His brothers still try to approach it and Lambert only has to threaten Lil' Bleater and Geralt's bed twice for them to definitely stay away from it.

Lambert then waits two weeks to start his experimentation – much to Coën and Vesemir's horror – and soon obtains a light green paste that smells rather good. He tries it on himself first, because he's not a monster, although putting it on Geralt's face in hope of him getting a rash is rather tempting. He dabs some of it over two of his scars and repeats the procedure for a week.

He doesn't spot a change in the scars but the paste doesn't do anything bad either so he deems his experimentation successful. The next day he slightly burns his hand on purpose and applies some of the paste to it.

Even with his witcher healing, he can still feel the soothing properties of the gel on his skin and is glad that it works. He finds out that the gel is great at soothing his fingers after a day spent in the cold and really helps against skin dryness and cracking too.

And a month after he started to play with his plant, he offers a massage to Coën with his brand new homemade gel and the Griffin eyes his glass phial warily but still agrees to it. It turns out that he quite likes the stuff and Lambert proudly informs him of his discovery a few hours later. And then they work out that they can really save up on coin and enjoy more massages during winter if they use their own gel instead of buying a few overpriced flasks of oil in brothels during the year.

So Lambert is tasked with making more gel, offers some to his brothers and mentor too, and really bemoans the fact that they only possess one big plant. The one Coën brought last year is still too small to be of any use and Eskel promises him to go down to Toussaint this year and to come back with one or two aloe veras more.

The next winter, Eskel brings back not two but three plants and Lambert promises him some free phials of gel in return. Geralt then turns up with Ciri and Yennefer, and the sorceress agrees to put a preserving charm on all the glass flasks Lambert brings her against some free gel for herself, and he quickly agrees to the deal. The one plant he used last winter grew back nicely and with Eskel's three new ones, he has enough raw material to make gel for the whole keep.

He enjoys some lenghty massages with Aiden and Coën all along winter, takes care of his skin, badgers Aiden until the Cat lets him apply some gel on his cracked knuckles and annoys Coën into letting him smear the gel on the dry skin of his face.

Geralt catches them an evening during one of their pampering sessions in the hot springs and looks so weirded out by the fact that Lambert likes to spoil his husbands that he throws him out of the room after he spends a few seconds staring dumbly at them.

And the next year when Jaskier hears about Lambert's new pastime, he invites himself to Kaer Morhen for the winter and all but demands some free samples of his aloe vera gel.

“You know,” Jaskier says to him after a week of aloe vera free use, “I have some friends or acquaintances who would pay you handsomely for a few phials of this stuff.”

“What do you mean by handsomely exactly ?”, Lambert asks, intrigued.

Lambert swears when he hears the number Jaskier gives him and wonders why the aloe vera would be this expensive. Jaskier then explains that nobles, especially women, like to use it to try to keep a fair skin and that it is indeed something of a rarity north of the Pontar.

So when spring comes again, Lambert gives Jaskier twenty phials of aloe vera gel with strict orders to sell it for as expensive a price as he can sensibly manage it. Lambert grumpily agrees to give Jaskier twenty percent of the price the bard will get for his stuff and just hopes that he won't try to swindle him.

Coën steals a few of his phials too, that Lambert pretends not to miss, and disappears with them when they go their separate ways in the spring. And when in the summer the Griffin comes back for their yearly reunion with Letho and a kid in tow, Lambert grumbles and swears and whines about their presence but still agrees to show them one of his last phial of gel after a lot of cajoling.

The kid, Gruvam he introduces himself, takes one look at his stuff, dabs it on his skin and squeals. Letho glares at Lambert and orders - orders ! - him to give it all to the boy.

“No,” Lambert growls and snatches his phial back from the boy.

“But I need it,” the boy pleads, “My Marsha will love this stuff !”

“And my husbands love this stuff too.”

“Your... husbands ?”, the kid asks, bewildered.

“Let it go, Gruvam,” Letho intervenes.

“Okay, mister Letho,” the kid agrees and nods, “But I still need it. I'm ready to pay for it !”

“How much ?”, Lambert asks and ignores the smirk Coën is sending his way.

Letho then starts to bargain on the kid's behalf and Lambert narrows his eyes, settles comfortably on the floor, takes a deep breath and throws himself into the negotiations. He gets a good price for the stuff, if a bit lower than his expectations, but the kid places a new order for thrice as many phials for the next year and Lambert accepts his offer.

He still loses a part of his winnings to Letho, who wants to be paid for his help in securing the contract, and Lambert willingly gives some of his money to Coën and Aiden because they're clearly supporting his new business. The Cat even turned up late with a horse and two massive plants of aloe vera in a cart. Apparently the Caravan had agreed to fetch some from Toussaint and Aiden had then stolen the whole cart in the night.

Lambert shakes his head at the sight of the plants, the biggest he's seen so far, and gladly accepts his husband's gift. He still makes note to send a few phials of aloe vera to the Cats' brothel for Seyn. It should placate the Cats after the theft well enough and Lambert hopes that they won't come after them.

His small aloe vera business grows quickly after that. Letho's noble kids become regular customers, as do Jaskier's friends. The other witchers all pitch in to bring back more plants – usually stolen – from Toussaint and to deliver the promised flasks to the buyers.

Yennefer is called upon when Lambert needs more spells for the vials, gets some free aloe vera in return for her help and recommends their products to some of her sorcerer or sorceress friends. They stop sending Geralt to deliver the flasks to them though, after they learn that his brother tends to sleep with all of them and Yennefer, becoming jealous, threatens to cut herself off Lambert's project because of it.

Coën teaches Vesemir how to take care of the plants better during the months they're out on the Path and Lambert explains to his mentor the process he uses to make the gel. The old Wolf ends up in charge of filling up the vials during the warmer months and he seems to even like his new job and doesn't grumble too much about it.

And as the witchers all join in, Coën badgers Lambert to share his winnings with their brethren in the name of fairness. Lambert grumbles and mutters about the Griffin's idea but finally relents after his husband promises him to compensate him very well for his efforts. Lambert capitulates confronted with Coën's leer and, the morning after, decides that it was all really worth it.

So Coën ends up in charge of the financial side of their business and decides that all the witchers should share the winnings equally between them. He counts Jaskier and Yennefer too, but offers them some free aloe vera to thank them for their help instead. It appears to be enough for the two of them, who are essentially well off and don't want for nothing.

Their collection of aloe veras slowly grows, and each summer another witcher brings back a new plant until Kaer Morhen's kitchen is almost covered in the plant. It doesn't seem to bother anybody though and Lambert even catches Vesemir humming at the plants while he waters them one winter.

The only downside is that Aiden gets a bit jealous of Lambert's plants' success and tries to emulate his example. So the Cat gets home with more and more weird plants as the winters pass by and he ends up banned from ever again touching a single plant after he expresses his wish to try to grow a new sort of plant from an archespore's spore. Even Coën, who loves plants, seems a bit disturbed by Aiden's idea.

To comfort Aiden they offer him a cactus and they tell him that if he takes good care of it, it can grow a beautiful flower. They watch him devote some of his time to speak to the plant, to stroke his small thorns and to take care to not water him too much, and they are really careful to never tell him that this species of cactus can't actually grow a flower. But as long as Aiden's busy with this plant, he's not thinking about some weird project about an archespore's graft, and that _is_ a good thing.

And one winter as their aloe vera business is thriving, Jaskier sends a letter to Lambert via Geralt, because he got a teaching post at Oxenfurt for the season and couldn't come himself, and asks him about expanding his range of products. The gel they produce is intented for skin care only, and Jaskier is wondering if Lambert couldn't make up something that could be used in a more intimate setting.

Lambert snorts when he reads it but the bard's idea is a good one. It would allow them to stop purchasing expensive oil on their travels and to stop Aiden from having to raid the Cats' brothel's supplies once every year much to Seyn's dismay.

And they would have an endless supply of the stuff to use liberaly during winter instead of their usual small stock of eight to ten vials that they have to keep a careful eye on if they don't want to find themselves without slick a few weeks into their winter stay. It would probably pay well too.

“We've got a new project,” Lambert announces after he finishes reading the letter.

“What does Jaskier want ?”, Geralt asks him with a sigh.

His brother probably already knows that Jaskier wants something unusual and is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“We're going to make slick with the aloe vera,” Lambert declares proudly.

Aiden and Coën chuckle, Vesemir sighs at the head of the table, Ciri giggles, Geralt groans and Eskel chokes on his food. Geralt pats their brother helpfully on the back and they both share an exasperated look together.

“Don't laugh at the bard's idea !”, Lambert continues, “It'll sell well. We just have to make the gel somewhat more liquid. We'll have to do some experimentation again.”

“You're being far too creepily cheerful about aloe vera slick,” Eskel informs him and Lambert leers.

“Yes. Because after the experimentation comes the fun part. The very important, very fun and very thorough testing of the product.”

“Ew,” Ciri exclaims and throws a piece of bread at his head.

Lambert catches the bread and throws it right back.

“And you're all joining in to help,” Lambert says, “The more reviews I get, the better I'll be able to improve the recipe. Oh ! That hurt, asshole !”

Lambert massages his forehead where the small stone Geralt threw at him hit him and he glares at his brother. Geralt then pointedly looks at Ciri and Lambert groans.

“Fuck you, of course I didn't mean Ciri, you prick. I'm not stupid !”

“I happen to quite like your idea,” Aiden purrs next to him and Lambert smiles at him, it's nice to know that he can always count on the Cat to back him up.

“You're hopeless,” Eskel then groans at him.

“Don't take that tone with me,” Lambert retorts, “You'll be glad to have some slick the next time you see Serrit or Del on the Path.”

“You indecorous _prick_ !”

“But a nice prick that will provide you with _free_ slick for as long as he lives,” Lambert says and adds a wink because annoying Eskel is always fun.

“If I get a rash, I'll drown you in the hot springs,” Eskel threatens him and Ciri giggles again under Geralt's exasperated gaze.

“Shut up,” Vesemir finally growls from the head of the table and they all fall silent.

Lambert finally takes an interest in his plate, which is still full and luckily isn't cold yet, and quickly chokes on his mouthful and ends up coughing his food up all over the table alongside his pale faced brothers when Vesemir speaks up again.

“So. When do you think we can start the testing ? I'm quite looking forward to it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> See you soon :D
> 
> PS : if you were wondering why Gruvam was with Letho and not Annegret, it's because the kids made a list on who got to travel when with their sort of godfather and it was his turn :p Yes, they're totally fighting between themselves to be able to accompany Letho on some "adventures"!!


End file.
